I had been downloading music yesterday evening. Led Zeppelin, REO Speedwagon, Flock of Seagulls, things like that. Then I realized that it'd be a funny joke to play on people if I were to change "Keep on Rolling" to "Hot Lesbian Sex". I watched as within minutes this file got 50 downloads. I was astounded.

Then the Dev got an idea.
An awful idea.
The Dev got a wonderful awful idea.

What if, perhaps, I was to change some of these names to sick pornography titles? I wonder if I'd get any bites?
And this is where the fun begins.

The first title I put up was "Naked boys dancing and eating cake." I sat in anticipation, waiting for my first download. Success, the first download came. Then the second. Then the third. This baby was steamrolling down the information super highway like a trucker with a hardon that has 2 miles left to the next truck stop. Before I knew it, I was getting twenty downloads. Then thirty. Then fifty. Can you imagine that in the end, rather than getting dancing boys naked and indulging themselves with sweets and frolicking in a dewy meadow, one-hundred thirty two people got a disappointing video of Led Zeppelin performing "Dazed and Confused" in front of a live audience? At this point, I had no choice but to continue.

The second title I put up was "My Ex-Girlfriend mowing the lawn naked." I thought that this was too far out to get any downloads. Alas, I was wrong. It got a download. Then two. Then thirty. In the end, seventy-eight sweaty, drooling fudges wanted to see my ex girlfriend mow the lawn stark naked. She's not even that hot. Rather then get their lawn-mowing beauty, they got the song "Ozone baby."
For the third title, I decided to transform "White Wedding" into the more intriguing "Elephant cock horse." I wish I could say I was kidding when this thing was downloaded one hundred eighty seven times. I guess there is something about horses and elephants showing their cocks that bring out the best in people. I nearly died of laughter at this point. "How can nearly two hundred people want to see naked animals? They're ALWAYS naked!" For sanctity's sake, we're going to leave this as a mystery. I hope I turned some people on to Billy Idol, hopefully distracting them long enough to forget that masturbating to horse and elephant genitalia are not really something their mothers would be proud of.

I couldn't stop myself from doing another. "Grandma Bingo Sex." Short and sweet. I couldn't stop myself from amusing.........myself..... "Grandma Bingo Sex." Surely not a common scenario, and surely not a scenario that would arouse many a twisted psyche. Apparently I know nothing about the human psyche. One hundred twenty two. ONE HUNDRED TWENTY TWO PEOPLE would like to see grandma getting bent over the bingo table, game card in hand, getting donkey punched by a 90 year old addle brained porn star. I rubbed my eyes just to double check. My eyes had to be lying to my brain. My penis had shriveled to the size of a 2 day old Wendys chicken nugget.

They asked for Grandma.
They got Joan Jett.

At this point I had to start taking puffs of my albuteral inhaler to keep from suffocating myself with laughter. "Girl on girl toe insertion (LEGAL)" was my next proud creation. Everyone likes 38 Special, so everyone won't feel like such dumb-asses after downloading this footy piece of crap. Never underestimate the inertia traveling behind a toe inserting itself into a rectum, friends. It's like a fudging semi hurling down Interstate 40 in the noonday sun. One hundred twelve people wanted to jerk to this. God have mercy on us.

At this point, for some odd reason, the user name "Enraged Baboon" popped into my head. "Enraged Baboon fudging a nipple factory." No way in hell would this get many downloads. Who could possibly type in any or all of those keywords? I guess people like seeing sweaty red-ass baboons, nostrils flaring, banging their chests like Marky Mark in the movie "Fear", having sex WITH each other in a factory that produces baby-bottle nipples. Imagine what those children would look like. One hundred seventy two people typed those magic words into Limewire, and got a hot steaming pile of monkey love. Well, it was Pink Floyd, but a man can dream, cant he?

This could all seem very disturbing. My final experiment, however, made me dizzy as my precious sack retreated into my pelvis. ...THREE PEOPLE...three disgusting, drooling, perverted, fudged up people, wielding a box of Puffs Plus and a tube of Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion, bright eyed and bushy tailed, wanted to see "An emu taking a vicious dump." How does one take a VICIOUS dump and how does an EMU take one, for that matter?

Ladies and gentlemen: this is why I have lost every last ounce of faith in humanity.

If I may quote Method:

"You're going to make a lot of sick people very unhappy."

[ 11-08-2005: Message edited by: Devastator ]

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Mp3s take a distant second to porn and scat on P2P networks.

[ 11-08-2005: Message edited by: AcidWarp ]

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“I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road.”

“Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change.”

so devvy-dev, how cum (hah!) you ain't on ICQ no more? The world could use more sick, twisted people

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quote:

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Originally posted by FS:
Wow, I can't believe I'm agreeing with FS on this one

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[ 11-08-2005: Message edited by: Devastator ]

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For instance, if I randomly surveyed 1000 people..

0.5% will want to fck your dog
0.5% will want to fck your cat
0.2% will want to fck your dog while eating your cat's sht

Does that mean everyone is sick? No.. 300 million US residents X 1% = 3M which is a lot.. but still very small. Certainly not enough to call us a nation of dog fckers

It's kinda like linux and firefox users.. there seems like a lot and we all make a big deal of them, but in reality there really is not many of them.

[sarcasm]
except for rb, so he's kinda like a dog fckr
[/sarcasm]

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“I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road.”

“Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change.”

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“I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road.”

“Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change.”

enraged babboon... I would HAVE to see what that one was if it came up on a search.

Back when I was on a filesharing network at school, I was known for having the best porn. Or at least, my nick was known. Very few people knew who the mysterious sex dwarf was. Just that they were looking for hot chicks and that nick seemed like an obvious launch pad. And occasionally, I'd hop on local net halo servers and beat the shit out anyone who came around. There was only one other player on campus who could keep up, and even then, he beat me significantly less than half the time. maybe 40%. But anyway, your story reminded me of those glory days because I also collected and shared the best of the random bullshit videos that I got from sites like ebaum and stile. To get to the point, one of these bullshit videos was of a masturbating bear. Not Conan's recurring gag, but a real bear in a real zoo caught on a real patron's video camera on a family vacation. And as if that weren't enough, it was a self-fellating mastubating bear. So it got tossed into my porn directory as "Paris Hilton Lesbian Sex Tape".

Oddly enough, nobody ever complained about it.

[ 11-09-2005: Message edited by: WillyTrombone ]

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Best porn? All I ever downloaded from 'mysterious sex dwarf' were videos of fat chicks eating ice cream naked! Well except one video of man in a bear-suit doing himself. That one was hot!

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I

Love